[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_5,3_5,1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.17.4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]A mother told me once that her 2 year-old daughter purposefully does what she asks her not to. The mother asked me to suggest tricks that can make her child listen. We want to believe that only a quick word-change, a tricky strategy tool, is what we need to win. For the long run result we also have to understand the whys. I often coach parents with the presence of the child because they can create great examples in the moment. As parents pay more attention to me, kids feel the need to \u201cfight\u201d for it. Let\u2019s see then, what I saw here with this family.<\/p>\n
During the few minutes long observation, the girl brought her little chair out of her room and showed us how she can climb up and reach anything she wants. The mother first gladly told me how smart her daughter was at finding out the way of its use. However her reactions were not about joy and pride but fear. Every second word of her was \u201cNo\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t\u201d. Well, the risk of accidents is valid, her concerns are understandable\u2026however, her messages will have a negative impact on her daughter, who just wants to prove.<\/p>\n
At the age of 2 to 3 children already differentiate themselves from others. They realize that they have power, control over their own body and even some over their environment. First of all, this is already a very exciting discovery that fills them up with self-recognition. On the other hand, through that the world unfolds to them. Their limits extend, they are given opportunities to get to know the world more. Just think about how amazing this could feel. Perhaps, it\u2019s like when we move abroad for the first time. At the beginning we can only accomplish small tasks because of language barriers but later on we become more confident, we can do more and soon we feel: Wow, I\u2019m here in a completely different place, totally alone and still I can stand on my own feet! I can take care of anything, I just feel simply free and independent. Well, kids feel the same. And this motivates them to keep going and improving.<\/p>\n
Initially children feel very close to their parents. They want to share all of their discoveries with them. To share their joys and to show them: \u201cLook, what I can do!\u201d At the age of 2 to 3, as they recognise their power, they want to be more independent. They are ready to give more freedom to their \u201cservant\u201d parents. Of course, only if we let them too. For that, we also have to believe that they are capable.<\/p>\n
The little girl kept showing her mother and me \u201clook, what I can do!\u201d, \u201clook, what I found out!\u201d… She took her chair (30 cm high) everywhere and stood up on it to reach the window, table, shelf, kitchen counter. Instead of recognition and acknowledgement she got only objections. Confirmation (without the negative intention of the parent) of her being too little to do anything right without her mother. Here came the response of the child. With every move, she said: \u201cbut look, I could do it, can\u2019t you see?\u201d The daughter tried to prove with all of her strength to her mother that there are things she can do safely.<\/p>\n
Now, you could ask: Should we just let the kid climb up even onto the kitchen counter?<\/p>\n
Of course, I don\u2019t think we can let children do whatever. We have to consider, measure things! But if we don\u2019t give them opportunities and space for their competence (new skills) to be recognised and acknowledged, then two things could happen: With a strong personality, conflicts will become regular because they will not give up on their attempts, instead will isolate themselves emotionally from us to protect their true-selves. On the other hand, if they accept our rejections, they will believe that they are less, unworthy. In this case self-doubt will arise which will create hard times at school, at adolescence and at becoming mature adults.<\/p>\n
What we can do is reconsider our concerns. When a situation arises we can ask ourselves: Is it really dangerous or just our own fearful thoughts ran too far? Remaining with the previous example, the mother saw it perfectly well that climbing up to the counter would be dangerous for her daughter, therefore a rule must be formulated. However she told the child off even when her daughter was only using the chair to look out of the window. The mother was worried about her girl falling, hitting her head to the edge of the coffee table, which was right behind her, and then that was it\u2026 This would be a very extreme scenario but I had to admit there is a slight possibility. So what could we do to prevent that? For example we could push the table away a little and drop some cushions around the kid. We can tell this to the child and also why we do so. She might actually like it and next time will do it for herself. This will prevent getting hurt so badly and still provide space for her to see our trust and faith in learning on her own, even by her own mistakes if she falls. This is how she\u2019ll become talented, smart for life. The point is to somehow meet their inner need for trying, practicing and growing independently.<\/p>\n
Later, the little girl was standing on her chair next to the window and was holding her bottle in her hand. When she wanted to get off the chair, called her mom to take the bottle as she didn\u2019t feel safe with it.<\/p>\n
If we try to turn down the volume of our fears in our head and be present, we can notice more often that our \u201cterrible two\u201d has more awareness of their own limits than we think.<\/p>\n
Do you have similar issues with your kid? Is there a possibility that they are over regulated? Could you give more space to practice with a little change?<\/p>\n
If you liked the article, please give us a thumbs up and share it with those who might need it.\ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n
#parenting #family #childhood #parentslife #mom #tantrum #whattodo #help #advice #coaching #thisislife #positiveparenting #childdevelopment #listen #challenges #fights #biting #fight #conflict #toddlers #earlychildhood #empathy #cooperation #task #solution #tolisten #development #gyerekrehangolva[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A mother told me once that her 2 year-old daughter purposefully does what she asks her not to. The mother asked me to suggest tricks that can make her child listen. We want to believe that only a quick word-change, a tricky strategy tool, is what we need to win. For the long run result […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":809,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\r\n
Sokan szenved\u00fcnk att\u00f3l, hogy a gyerek\u00fcnk nem hallgat r\u00e1nk. El\u0151sz\u00f6r \u00e1ltal\u00e1ban k\u00e9t\u00e9vesen j\u00f6n el\u0151 ez a probl\u00e9ma, mert a gyerekek ilyenkor kezdik kitolni hat\u00e1raikat. Azt gondoljuk, ezt csak az\u00e9rt csin\u00e1lj\u00e1k, mert az idegeinken akarnak t\u00e1ncolni, mert a folyamatos figyelm\u00fcnkre v\u00e1gynak. De vajon t\u00e9nyleg csak a figyelm\u00fcnk el\u00e9r\u00e9se k\u00e9szteti \u0151ket erre, vagy m\u00e1s is van a h\u00e1tt\u00e9rben?
Egyszer egy anyuka mes\u00e9lte, hogy 2,5 \u00e9ves kisl\u00e1nya direkt azt csin\u00e1lja, amit \u0151 ellenez. K\u00e9rte, hogy adjak technik\u00e1kat, hogyan vehetn\u00e9 r\u00e1 a gyerek\u00e9t, hogy sz\u00f3t fogadjon. Szeretn\u00e9nk azt gondolni, csak egy gyorsan alkalmazhat\u00f3 sz\u00f3haszn\u00e1lat, praktika kellene, hogy \"mi gy\u0151zz\u00fcnk\". A hossz\u00fa t\u00e1v\u00fa eredm\u00e9nyhez azonban meg kell \u00e9rten\u00fcnk a mi\u00e9rteket! Sokszor tartok foglalkoz\u00e1st gyerek jelenl\u00e9t\u00e9ben, mert fantasztikus p\u00e9ld\u00e1kat tudnak hozni, ott helyben. A sz\u00fcl\u0151k ilyenkor r\u00e1m figyelnek, teh\u00e1t a gyerekek ingert \u00e9reznek, hogy kiv\u00edvj\u00e1k figyelm\u00fcket. N\u00e9zz\u00fck meg h\u00e1t, mit is l\u00e1ttam az eml\u00edtett csal\u00e1dn\u00e1l!
A p\u00e1r perces megfigyel\u00e9s alatt a kisl\u00e1ny kihozta a kissz\u00e9k\u00e9t a saj\u00e1t szob\u00e1j\u00e1b\u00f3l, \u00e9s megmutatta, hogy ennek seg\u00edts\u00e9g\u00e9vel mindenhova fel tud m\u00e1szni, mindent el tud \u00e9rni. Anyja el\u0151sz\u00f6r vid\u00e1man mes\u00e9lte el, hogy milyen okos a l\u00e1nya, hogy erre r\u00e1j\u00f6tt. A reakci\u00f3i viszont nem \u00f6r\u00f6m\u00f6t, vagy b\u00fcszkes\u00e9get jeleztek, hanem f\u00e9lelmet. Minden m\u00e1sodik szava az volt, hogy \u201cNem\u201d vagy \u201cNe\u201d. A balesetvesz\u00e9ly val\u00f3s, aggodalma \u00e9rthet\u0151... m\u00e9gis, sajnos komoly k\u00f6vetkezm\u00e9nyekkel j\u00e1r\u00f3 \u00fczeneteket k\u00fcld ezzel gyermek\u00e9nek, aki csak bizony\u00edtani pr\u00f3b\u00e1l.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
K\u00e9t-h\u00e1rom \u00e9ves korban a gyermekek m\u00e1r megk\u00fcl\u00f6nb\u00f6ztetik magukat m\u00e1sokt\u00f3l. R\u00e1j\u00f6nnek, hogy van hatalmuk saj\u00e1t test\u00fck, s\u0151t az \u0151ket k\u00f6r\u00fclvev\u0151 k\u00f6rnyezet\u00fck f\u00f6l\u00f6tt is. Egyr\u00e9szt, ez sz\u00e1mukra egy hatalmas felfedez\u00e9s, mely \u00f6n-elismer\u00e9ssel t\u00f6lti el \u0151ket. M\u00e1sr\u00e9szt, ez \u00e1ltal kiny\u00edlik sz\u00e1mukra a vil\u00e1g. Hat\u00e1raik kiterjednek, lehet\u0151s\u00e9get kapnak a vil\u00e1g sz\u00e9lesebb k\u00f6r\u0171 megismer\u00e9s\u00e9re. Gondoljunk csak bele, hogy milyen \u00e9rz\u00e9s lehet ez? Tal\u00e1n, mint mikor k\u00fclf\u00f6ldre k\u00f6lt\u00f6z\u00fcnk \u00e9let\u00fcnkben el\u0151sz\u00f6r. Kezdetben csak kis feladatokat tudunk elv\u00e9gezni a nyelvi neh\u00e9zs\u00e9gek miatt, de egyre magabiztosabbak lesz\u00fcnk, egyre t\u00f6bb feladatot el tudunk l\u00e1tni, \u00e9s id\u0151vel azt \u00e9rezz\u00fck: Wow, itt vagyok egy teljesen m\u00e1sik vil\u00e1gban, teljesen egyed\u00fcl, \u00e9s meg\u00e1llok a saj\u00e1t l\u00e1bamon! B\u00e1rmit el tudok m\u00e1r int\u00e9zni, nem tudnak \u00e1tverni, egyszer\u0171en SZABAD VAGYOK! A gyerekek is ezt \u00e9rzik. Ez pedig tov\u00e1bb motiv\u00e1lja \u0151ket, hogy k\u00fczdjenek \u00e9s fejl\u0151djenek.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Minden gyerek kezdetben nagyon k\u00f6zel \u00e9rzi mag\u00e1t sz\u00fcleihez. Minden felfedez\u00e9s\u00fcket meg akarj\u00e1k osztani vel\u00fck. Megosztani \u00f6r\u00f6meiket, \u00e9s megmutatni nekik: \u201cEzt n\u00e9zd, mire vagyok m\u00e1r k\u00e9pes!\u201d. 2-3 \u00e9ves korukban, ahogy hatalmukra \u00e9brednek, egyre \u00f6n\u00e1ll\u00f3bbak is akarnak lenni. K\u00e9szen \u00e1llnak, hogy \"rabszolga\" sz\u00fcleiknek fokozatosan egyre t\u00f6bb szabads\u00e1got adjanak. Persze, csak ha ezt mi sz\u00fcl\u0151k hagyjuk! Ahhoz viszont nek\u00fcnk is el kell hinn\u00fcnk, hogy k\u00e9pesek r\u00e1.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
A kisl\u00e1ny meg\u00e1ll\u00e1s n\u00e9lk\u00fcl mutatta mind \u00e9desanyj\u00e1nak, mind nekem, hogy \u201cezt n\u00e9zd mit tudok!\u201d, \u201cezt n\u00e9zd, mire j\u00f6ttem r\u00e1!\u201d\u2026 Mindenhova vitte a kissz\u00e9k\u00e9t (kb. 30 cm magas) \u00e9s fel\u00e1llt r\u00e1, hogy el\u00e9rje az ablakot, az asztalt, a polcot, a konyhapultot. Elismer\u00e9s helyett azonban negat\u00edv meger\u0151s\u00edt\u00e9seket kapott. Meger\u0151s\u00edt\u00e9st arra (az anya tudatos akarat\u00e1n k\u00edv\u00fcl), hogy \u0151 m\u00e9g kicsi, nem tud mag\u00e1ra vigy\u00e1zni, meg fog s\u00e9r\u00fclni, csak anya tudja a \"tutit\". Erre j\u00f6tt a v\u00e1lasz a gyerekt\u0151l. Minden mozdulat\u00e1val azt \u00fczente: \"de h\u00e1t n\u00e9zd, meg tudom csin\u00e1lni, m\u00e1r nagy vagyok, nem l\u00e1tod?\" A kisl\u00e1ny minden erej\u00e9vel pr\u00f3b\u00e1lta meggy\u0151zni \u00e9desanyj\u00e1t, hogy tud mag\u00e1ra vigy\u00e1zni.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Most persze j\u00f6n a k\u00e9rd\u00e9s: Akkor hagyjuk, hogy a gyerek felm\u00e1sszon, m\u00e9g ak\u00e1r a konyhapultra is? Term\u00e9szetesen nem gondolom, hogy mindent hagyhatn\u00e1nk a gyermeknek. M\u00e9rlegeln\u00fcnk kell! De ha nem adunk neki lehet\u0151s\u00e9get \u00e9s teret arra, hogy elismer\u00e9st nyerjen kompetenci\u00e1ja (\u00faj k\u00e9pess\u00e9ge), akkor k\u00e9t dolog t\u00f6rt\u00e9nhet: Ha er\u0151s szem\u00e9lyis\u00e9ge van, akkor \u00e1lland\u00f3 harcok lesznek, mert nem fogja feladni a pr\u00f3b\u00e1lkoz\u00e1sait, csak a sz\u00fcl\u0151kt\u0151l fog \u00e9rzelmileg elt\u00e1volodni, hogy saj\u00e1t \u00e9nj\u00e9t v\u00e9dje. Ha belenyugszik, az az\u00e9rt lesz, mert elhiszi sz\u00fcleinek, hogy nem k\u00e9pes \u00f6n\u00e1ll\u00f3s\u00e1gra. \u00cdgy viszont az \u00f6nmag\u00e1ba vetett k\u00e9tely feler\u0151s\u00f6dik, ami \u00e1ltal komoly probl\u00e9m\u00e1i lehetnek az iskol\u00e1ban, \u00e9s a kamassz\u00e1, feln\u0151tt\u00e9 v\u00e1l\u00e1s sor\u00e1n is.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Amit tehet\u00fcnk, hogy m\u00e9rlegelj\u00fck aggodalmainkat. Amikor a helyzet ad\u00f3dik, feltessz\u00fck a k\u00e9rd\u00e9st, hogy ez val\u00f3ban annyira \u00e9letvesz\u00e9lyes, vagy csak a saj\u00e1t f\u00e9lt\u0151 anyai (apai) gondolataink szaladtak t\u00fal messzire? P\u00e9ld\u00e1nak ok\u00e1n, az anya teljesen j\u00f3l l\u00e1tta, hogy a konyhapultra val\u00f3 felm\u00e1sz\u00e1s \u00e9letvesz\u00e9lyes a gyerek sz\u00e1m\u00e1ra, teh\u00e1t arra meg kell fogalmazni egy szab\u00e1lyt. A gyerekre azonban akkor is r\u00e1sz\u00f3lt, amikor a sz\u00e9k\u00e9t az ablak al\u00e1 tette, hogy arra fel\u00e1llva kil\u00e1sson. Az \u00e9desanya att\u00f3l f\u00e9lt, hogy ha leesne a gyerek, akkor ott van m\u00f6g\u00f6tte a doh\u00e1nyz\u00f3 asztal, aminek a sz\u00e9l\u00e9be beverheti a nyak\u00e1t, \u00e9s akkor ennyi volt\u2026 Ez egy el\u00e9g extr\u00e9m szitu\u00e1ci\u00f3, de bel\u00e1ttam, hogy megt\u00f6rt\u00e9nhet. Akkor mit tudunk tenni, hogy ezt megel\u0151zz\u00fck? P\u00e9ld\u00e1ul, od\u00e9bb tolhatjuk egy kicsit az asztalt a l\u00e1bunkkal, \u00e9s n\u00e9h\u00e1ny p\u00e1rn\u00e1t ledobhatunk a gyerek k\u00f6r\u00e9. Ezt el is mondhatjuk a gyereknek, hogy mi\u00e9rt csin\u00e1ljuk. M\u00e9g tal\u00e1n tetszeni is fog neki, \u00e9s m\u00e1skor maga megteszi. Ezzel biztos\u00edtottuk, hogy komoly baja ne ess\u00e9k, de k\u00f6zben m\u00e9gis lehet\u0151s\u00e9get adtunk arra, hogy l\u00e1ssa, b\u00edzunk benne, \u00e9s arra is, hogy maga tanuljon a saj\u00e1t hib\u00e1j\u00e1b\u00f3l, ha m\u00e9gis leesne. \u00cdgy lesz \u00e9letreval\u00f3. A l\u00e9nyeg, hogy valamilyen vonatkoz\u00e1sban a gyermek adott ig\u00e9nye kiel\u00e9g\u00fcl\u00e9sre tal\u00e1ljon.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
A kisl\u00e1ny k\u00e9s\u0151bb az ablakn\u00e1l l\u00e9v\u0151 sz\u00e9ken \u00e1llva k\u00e9zbe kapta a cumis\u00fcveg\u00e9t. Mikor le akart l\u00e9pni a sz\u00e9kr\u0151l, jelezte, hogy vegy\u00fck el t\u0151le az \u00fcveget, mert lefele m\u00e1r nem \u00e9rzi ezt \u00edgy biztons\u00e1gosnak.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Ha f\u00e9lelmeinket megpr\u00f3b\u00e1ljuk kicsit lehalk\u00edtani a fej\u00fcnkben, \u00e9s ott lenni a pillanatban, sokszor \u00e9szrevehetj\u00fck, hogy a 2,5 \u00e9ves gyerek val\u00f3j\u00e1ban jobban tiszt\u00e1ban van saj\u00e1t k\u00e9pess\u00e9geinek hat\u00e1raival, mint azt mi gondoljuk.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Van hasonl\u00f3 helyzet a te gyerekedn\u00e9l? Lehet, hogy f\u00f6l\u00f6slegesen van t\u00falszab\u00e1lyozva? Kis v\u00e1ltoztat\u00e1ssal tudn\u00e1l lehet\u0151s\u00e9get teremteni sz\u00e1m\u00e1ra, hogy gyakorolhasson?<\/p>\r\n\r\n
Ha tetszett a poszt, nyomj egy l\u00e1jkot, \u00e9s oszd meg, hogy eljusson azok sz\u00e1m\u00e1ra, akiknek seg\u00edthet. Ha pedig eszedbe jutott valaki, akinek szerinted biztos haszn\u00e1ra v\u00e1lna, akkor taggeld be kommentbe! ;)<\/p>\r\n\r\n
#gyereknevel\u00e9s #csal\u00e1d #nevel\u00e9s #any\u00e1naklenni #anya #hiszti #mittegyek #seg\u00edts\u00e9g #tan\u00e1cs #tan\u00e1csad\u00e1s #ilyenaz\u00e9let #pozit\u00edvnevel\u00e9s #gyermekifejl\u0151d\u00e9s #szofogado #coaching #sz\u00fcl\u0151s\u00e9g #neh\u00e9zs\u00e9gek #veszeked\u00e9s #harap\u00e1s #harc #tan\u00edt\u00e1s #kisgyermek #gyerek #egy\u00fctt\u00e9rz\u00e9s #egy\u00fcttm\u0171k\u00f6d\u00e9s #feladat #megold\u00e1s #szofogadas #fejl\u0151d\u00e9s #gyerekrehangolva<\/p>\r\n","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[93],"tags":[112,111,108,105,124,125,128,126,123,102,101,116,119,120,113,107,122,127,103,118,109,115,104,157,156,117,106,114,121,110],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1763"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1763"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1763\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1770,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1763\/revisions\/1770"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/809"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1763"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1763"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1763"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}