[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_5,3_5,1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.17.4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”]The question, which rarely brings forth what is expected, yet as parents we often cling to it unawares. Why do we feel a strong urge to say it, and why doesn\u2019t it work for our children?<\/p>\n
When our child spends most of the day at school it’s natural that we want to chit-chat when we meet again. Sharing experiences, challenges and joys. On one hand we might feel guilty by not spending more time with them during the day and we would like to make up for it as soon as possible to find harmony again. On the other hand we might also feel the lack of control over our child\u2019s experience which we want to be responsible for. Our inner voice could sound like: \u201cWhat could have happened during this time? What if I missed something important? How could I help, discipline or teach them if I don\u2019t even know what happened there? Am I a bad parent if I didn\u2019t even ask my child? We want to feel that even though we spent most of the day apart, our relationship is deep and honest. We love each other, we are important to each other and we can share everything.<\/p>\n
So, our goal is to connect fast and continue where we left off. Where is the problem then?<\/p>\n
Why does the initiative fail right away? In most cases we get responses like: \u201cOkay\u201d, \u201cGood\u201d, \u201cNormal\u201d, \u201cNothing special\u201d, etc. Are we satisfied by these answers? Of course not. We miss the part of opening up, being honest, letting us into our children\u2019s state of mind. Besides that, our open-ended question – which we believe will lead to a long conversation – gets closed down in a second. So we have to think about another one\u2026<\/p>\n
Why is the kid not opening up?<\/b><\/p>\n
First of all, let\u2019s think about how much time we give to our child to arrive in the atmosphere (car, home, us) before asking? Not many of us can actually endure long pauses and silence, so in most cases it is like only a few seconds. However, the child has to switch to a completely different role meanwhile.<\/p>\n
At school, kindergarten, nursery, children fill in different roles than at home. In the institutions kids learn that they can not show too much weakness, doubts, lacks, anger, etc. because they are expected to know (learn) how to behave. Sometimes even at nursery schools teachers cannot provide as (emotionally) safe of environment as the parents at home. Moreover, children also need to equip themselves against their peers to stay on the racetrack, earning love and recognition from them. They cannot jump out of this role in a second. Even if they have an intimate, trustworthy relationship with their parents, it takes time to take off the armor and breathe free again. And what if they don\u2019t get full acceptance at home\u2026 they will need another wardress\u2026<\/p>\n
Another mistake, we often make while trying to connect, is that we don\u2019t recognize when our approach is more about meeting our own needs than the child\u2019s. (of course, without any intention)<\/span><\/p>\n First of all, we want our child to open up in order to feel our parental role is safe and recognized after spending so much time away. On the other hand, there is also a possibility of us hardly handling pauses and silence. Our inner voice might start coming up with self-doubting thoughts straight away like: \u201cHe might think, I don\u2019t even care what is up with him\u201d; \u201cFinally we are together and I\u2019m not showing my attention towards her\u201d; What if they hate me and do not want to share anything with me?\u201d; \u201cI\u2019m sure other kids are already chatting with their parents\u201d; \u201cI should say something now\u201d… And last but not least, our questions often give the same hint which is \u201cTell me everything!\u201d – leading to \u201cnevermind\u201d, \u201cwhatever\u201d, \u201cyou don\u2019t get it\u201d responses – instead of \u201cI\u2019M LISTENING.<\/p>\n The criterion for a successful connection is that we take \u201cme\u201d out of the picture. Recognise your own needs but take it to the side and try to tune in with the child. To do this, pause and silence is necessary. For the child to feel our support, acceptance, protection, words are not needed. Especially for children, as they are still more attuned to emotional vibes. Let them arrive in \u201cthe safety of home\u201d feeling. Just watch and listen! Pay attention to their breathing (may report it), to what they do, to what they look at (without a word). Give them 5-10 minutes first. If possible, let them initiate a conversation. If not, ask something but just to check if they needed more time.<\/p>\n And the most important, if once they start talking, sharing, then just listen without any advice, teaching lessons or praises. Maybe you can acknowledge their feelings but without you in the picture.<\/p>\n Because children need one thing mostly: to feel seen and heard by us and themselves.<\/p>\n If you liked this article, please, send us a <3 and share this with those who might need it.\ud83d\ude42[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The question, which rarely brings forth what is expected, yet as parents we often cling to it unawares. Why do we feel a strong urge to say it, and why doesn\u2019t it work for our children? Parents want connection When our child spends most of the day at school it’s natural that we want to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":812,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[93],"tags":[175,174,108,105,171,163,168,177,158,102,101,159,162,164,165,103,109,176,173,167,170,172,160,161,178,169,166,110],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1771"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1771"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1771\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1780,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1771\/revisions\/1780"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/812"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1771"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1771"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1771"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}There is no me, only THEM<\/b><\/h2>\n