[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.16″ global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_5,3_5,1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”3_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.17.4″ background_size=”initial” background_position=”top_left” background_repeat=”repeat” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]What is so hard about understanding \u201cDon\u2019t\u201d? We ask our children nicely not to do something, but they do it anyway. They might stop for a sec but then will restart again\u2026 It is easy to think they literally just don\u2019t care about what we say however it\u2019s not that simple. So, then what is it about? And how could we actually make them cooperate with us?<\/p>\n
When adults are forbidden to do something, it isn\u2019t that difficult to do so. We have learned how to control our behavior according to others\u2019 expectations. When we are asked not to do something we can accept it and easily find a different thing to do instead. Because we have learned and practiced that for many years. But what happens if I asked you \u201cNOT TO THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT\u201d?<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t working so well, right? And the reason is that our brain cannot NOT imagine something. So you might try to comply with my request by instantly changing the color of the elephant which you have already imagined pink. This is a conscious regulation though, and as you could see, the first picture is still of a pink elephant. For not to think about something, first we have to think about it.<\/p>\n
Children\u2019s brains work the same way. They cannot imagine the word \u201cnot\u201d. When we tell them \u201cDon\u2019t run!\u201d, \u201cStop screaming!\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t fight!\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t do that!\u201d, etc\u2026 in their mind the only pictures popping up are about running, screaming, fighting and doing what they shouldn\u2019t do. And this is the point where it becomes even more difficult for them.<\/p>\n
First of all, their urge is much stronger and their self-control is less experienced compared to adults. We took long years to learn how to regulate these feelings as it is essential for social integration. Our inner urge to things is much more intense in childhood. Second of all, they have not yet had an ideabox from which they could choose other strategies or things to do instead. They don\u2019t know yet what to exchange running, screaming, fighting that would be more acceptable. Sometimes they really do want to listen, they just can\u2019t find the way.<\/p>\n
Being a child is hard. Children are so new in this world that they neither know their environment well enough nor themselves. However they are still facing huge expectations from their parents and the society. We often don\u2019t even know how many challenges they are going through. We don\u2019t see how hard they try because we don\u2019t know what to look for and what that means. They cannot express themselves because they don\u2019t have the self-knowledge and the vocabulary for that. But we could help them!<\/p>\n
We can give them ideas or even concrete instructions that they actually could do instead of the unpleasant behaviors. Many times, this is already enough to make noticeable changes in those tiring moments because in most cases children\u2019s purpose is not to annoy us. Instead of \u201cDon\u2019t run!\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t be so harsh!\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t shout!\u201d we could say simple things like: \u201cInside we use walking feet, so please walk!\u201d, \u201cWe can reach out to each other gently, like this!\u201d, Could you turn your voice down like the way I do it now?\u201d, etc. Clear phrases like these can be amazingly effective. But only if they are concrete enough. Although, the saying \u201cBe nice!\u201d is a positive wording, children will not find it helpful because what does it mean \u201cbeing nice\u201d, what does that look like?<\/p>\n
Every new habit takes some time to become automatic. Perhaps you haven\u2019t noticed before how much \u201cdon\u2019t\u201d you use at home on a daily basis. And it\u2019s normal. The first step is to become aware of these situations. The second is to come up with a positive phrase, without a \u201cnot\u201d. But I\u2019m telling you now, that it\u2019s going to be harder sometimes than you think.<\/p>\n
I was working at a Nursery School in London when I started implementing these new approaches. It often happened that by the time I (1) realized that I was using negative sentences, (2) found a way to exchange them for something positive, (3) and translated them to English, kids had already been doing something totally different. And still I had to say it out loud (even though it had no effect at the moment) in order to practice and to get it faster next time until it becomes automatic. And it did.<\/p>\n
The goal is not to erase saying no to our children. That would be unrealistic. But notice when you say it and continue the sentence with a more helpful, concrete part. Instead of an exclamation mark, let\u2019s put a comma and give an idea to our child what is okay to do. And of course, be patient with yourself as well.<\/p>\n
Try it and share your experience in the comment section. If you liked the article, please give it a <3 and don\u2019t forget to share it with those who might need it.<\/p>\n
#kidwingz #kids #parentslife #family #help #whattodo #everythingisano #parenting #iamaparent #withkids #parentcoaching #coaching #moms #keeplearning #no #dont #children #allaboutparenting #advices #badkids #goodkids[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_5″ _builder_version=”4.16″ custom_padding=”|||” global_colors_info=”{}” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
What is so hard about understanding \u201cDon\u2019t\u201d? We ask our children nicely not to do something, but they do it anyway. They might stop for a sec but then will restart again\u2026 It is easy to think they literally just don\u2019t care about what we say however it\u2019s not that simple. So, then what is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":814,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[93],"tags":[187,105,158,186,102,101,188,196,197,191,103,194,195,190,189,104,160,179,192,106,193],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1785"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1785"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1793,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1785\/revisions\/1793"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/814"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}