A father’s bond is different, and that is where its value lies

It is no coincidence that fathers generally play more energetically with their children. It is precisely these lively interactions that strengthen the bond between them. What’s more, they play another special role: that of providing a challenge.

Nowadays, no one doubts the vital importance of fathers being involved in bringing up their children. Fortunately, they are becoming increasingly enthusiastic about getting involved right from the start, and there are more and more opportunities for them to do so, although they still receive less support in this regard than mothers. Few know what to expect, what internal changes to anticipate, or how best to support the baby and the mother. For them, the bond with the child will be different, as will their role within the family – and that is perfectly natural. It is important for them too to receive reassurance so that they can do what they’re good at with the necessary self-confidence, and they cannot be expected to do exactly the same as mothers. They play differently, care for and protect their children differently, but this is precisely what helps children to recognise, accept, respect and appreciate difference – which in turn helps them to become who they are.

The bond with the father is often delayed

The bond that develops between a child and their father often takes longer to form than that between the mother and the child. Following conception, the mother has a direct connection with the child, and this is generally only strengthened by the birth itself. Although a father’s involvement around the time of pregnancy can help foster this bond, as we know that it has a positive effect on bonding if the baby can hear the father’s voice and feel his touch whilst still in the mother’s womb; however, the same physiological connection as that with the mother cannot, of course, exist. The bond between father and child is initiated and shaped by interactions following the birth – she emphasises Anna Machin evolutionary anthropologist. These interactions also trigger hormonal changes in fathers, making them increasingly sensitive to their child’s needs. In a sense, this also means that fatherly care is much more a matter of learning than of instinct; fathers need far more practical experience than mothers do.

Fathers cannot, therefore, be expected to feel the same deep bond with their children straight away as mothers do, yet their closeness is very much needed right from the start. They play an important role in a child’s life, and we must support them in this right from the start. Mothers„ role in this is particularly significant, as whilst they are indispensable to the child, fathers often feel they are not (especially in the first few months), so it is reassuring for them to receive this support. Furthermore, active involvement in caregiving from an early stage helps ”the father’s oxytocin levels to synchronise with the mother’s, enabling them to tackle the initial challenges of parenthood as a team’, says Anna Machin.

The role of the father is also a challenge

The importance of interactions between fathers and their children becomes even more significant by the time the child is around six months old. This is because, as the child becomes more active, the sort of more boisterous and wild play – in the best sense of the word – that is most characteristic of fathers can begin: wrestling, tossing the child over the head, racing around in ‘flight mode’, climbing towers, or even tickling. These passionate and unrestrained moments together produce so many endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine in both parties that their bond becomes ever closer and deeper as a result.

Just think about how important these close interactions are in today’s fast-paced world, especially when a father spends most of his time at work. Of course, a father’s „rough-and-tumble” play can cause concern for many mothers. The growing sense of responsibility and the resulting desire to take control leads many to feel the need to intervene and thereby prevent any minor injuries which, let’s face it, can happen. At times like these, however, we must remember that both the child and the father need this. A mother’s care and attention tend to provide a sense of calm during shared play, cuddles and story-telling; the bond between the two is therefore ‘inward-looking’ and exclusive, based on affection and care.

Whilst all of these factors also form the basis of the father-child bond, there is something else besides them: challenge. According to Machin, a father’s behaviour also encourages the child to take on challenges, to dare to explore the world and discover themselves, secure in the knowledge of a safe parental environment, and to learn to cope with life’s difficulties, failures and successes. This requires the more boisterous games that fathers instinctively engage in, during which the child is given the opportunity to face challenges and develop.

3 questions

To a certain extent, fathers think, feel and behave differently around their children than mothers do, and this is of great significance. The fact that parents are different and accept one another suggests to the child that they, too, can be different and can be themselves. Initially, a child forms their self-image based on feedback from their parents, through the emotions their parents harbour towards them. Both the mother’s and the father’s messages play a part in the development of the child’s identity.

Dr Meg Meeker  According to an American GP and writer, every child is looking for answers to three questions: What do you think of me? How do you feel about me? What do you expect of me? And they expect answers to these three questions from both parents – not necessarily in words, as all they need to do is look at us and they’ll know. Fathers can boost their daughters’ and sons’ self-confidence and self-esteem through their confident, active and loving presence, precisely because they form bonds in a different way. A child needs to feel love, acceptance and recognition from both genders (gender roles) in order to find balance within themselves. If they do not receive answers to these three questions from both sides, then – as Meg Meeker puts it – chaos ensues in their soul, and their self-esteem and self-belief are undermined. 

Communication between the parties

Being a new dad isn’t easy, especially at the start. At first, the new dad isn’t really able to play a big part in looking after the baby, so he’s left with the background tasks, ensuring safety and supporting the mum’s happiness. And fulfilling these tasks often seems hopeless, as both partners are still unsure of themselves and, consequently, of each other. The father’s initial sense of helplessness casts doubt on his competence and self-confidence, particularly if the mother (out of overprotectiveness) is persistently dismissive towards him. Nevertheless, fathers need to play an active role in order to become more sensitive and self-assured around their children, so that they can fulfil the role their children will come to expect of them.

Honesty between parents communication This is essential. Fathers need to come to terms with the fact that they will have to solve specific problems less often, and more often simply provide emotional support to the mother by showing empathy. Mothers, for their part, must help reassure fathers that they are good fathers, that they are sufficiently caring and capable of the task – in their own way. We shouldn’t expect both parents to fulfil the same role, nor should we assume that they are in a subordinate relationship. The differences between the two parents in terms of their thinking, care and play teach the child a great deal about life. Let there be ‘mum time’ and ‘dad time’! Let’s support fathers too in what they’re good at – the ways in which they differ from mothers, but are just as valuable – so that the child can experience these differences and, through them, discover on itself too.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 10 September 2020.