It’s OK to make mistakes – even as a parent! Children don’t need perfect parents

As children, we invest a great deal of energy in seeking our parents’ approval. Then, as we grow up, we become increasingly independent, stand on our own two feet, and, at least to some extent, come to terms with ourselves. With the birth of our child, however, our self-esteem is put to the test once again. We’re afraid of making mistakes all over again!

We all make mistakes as we grow into adulthood. We need to put our assumptions and intuitions to the test in order to develop our self-awareness, and to do this we are sometimes forced to go against the expectations and advice of our parents and other adults. This is perhaps where that dual feeling begins – the desire to be both true to ourselves and accepted by others. We need both to develop a positive sense of self-worth, and much depends on the feedback we receive from our parents. If, in their eyes, our mistakes lead to a rejection of who we are, this will also affect our experiences as adults. We come to believe that only children and immature people make mistakes, and that we must outgrow this.

As long as we only have to take responsibility for ourselves, it’s manageable enough; but when our children are born, we are confronted once again with our own imperfections. We will make mistakes. Lots of them. And if we harbour the belief that only the immature and worthless make mistakes, we’re in for some serious setbacks. Personal development is, after all, a continuous process that never stops, just as the learning process associated with it is ongoing. And for this, we need to make mistakes time and time again. Just not the same ones!

Our relationship with our child brings back memories

Why is it that, as parents, we find it so difficult to accept ourselves once again? Because there is no other relationship quite like the one we experienced with our parents during our childhood. The sense of unity, the depth of the relationship and the degree of interdependence are unparalleled. Just as we once wanted to live up to our parents’ expectations, so now we want to do the same for our children. We want to prove that we are mature and sensitive enough to look after them, and that we always know the answers.

But we cannot know for certain; we are bound to make mistakes, and it does matter what meaning we attach to this concept. As children, we invested a great deal of energy in seeking our parents’ approval. As we grew up, we increasingly stood on our own two feet, became independent, and, at least to some extent, came to terms with ourselves. With the birth of our child, however, we face yet another test: our self-esteem, as our children’s behaviour usually brings back memories of the rejection we once experienced from our own parents, even without us realising it. The love and recognition we (would have) liked to receive from our parents as children is now something we readily expect to receive through our children’s validation. And if we feel that they are highlighting our imperfections, we despair that we will never be “good enough”. However, reliving our parents’ past rejection through our children’s behaviour can be dangerous, especially if we are unaware of this. For if we fail to see our children for who they are in a given situation, they too may experience parental rejection at our hands.

It’s perfectly all right to make mistakes!

As long as we do not allow ourselves to make mistakes (even as parents), our pursuit of perfection will blind us. Our desire to conform makes us focus on ourselves; we try to evaluate, defend or even blame ourselves, and in doing so we rarely see the other person realistically. We are afraid of mistakes, because it is no longer just us let’s put up with it them, because we have also taken responsibility for another vulnerable human being.

However, our children have no need for flawless parents! Mistakes are an integral part of human life, and they teach us lessons throughout our lives. We cannot avoid them; we can only delude ourselves into believing we can, thereby making our own lives – and probably our children’s lives too – more miserable. Many of us have experienced first-hand what a burden it is to see our parents as flawless. For our children to develop a positive self-image and build their self-confidence, it is essential that they trust in the legitimacy of making mistakes and in the educational power they hold; and to do this, they need to see that we, their parents, also dare to make mistakes. Making mistakes is, of course, painful, but it helps us to get to know ourselves better; our missteps shed light on new perspectives, thereby broadening our entire individual way of seeing and thinking. It helps our children grow and makes us wiser. But only if we dare to recognise our mistakes, admit them, and learn something new about ourselves through them.

If we believe that growth is a lifelong process, then so too must making mistakes be. There is no age or life situation that can put an end to its validity. We fear the pain caused by making mistakes, both for ourselves and for our children, but the more we dread it, the deeper the wound it can inflict on the soul – and thus on our self-esteem. Let’s acknowledge the pain – and help our children to do the same – let’s put it into words and express it without trivialising it, but let’s not get bogged down in it! Instead of repeated regret, Let’s examine, in the way it opens our eyes, what it teaches us about ourselves and how the world works! In this way, we can quickly experience personal growth, which provides immediate balance and, in the long term, sets us free.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 27 September 2021.