Tantrums: you don’t have to give in, but it’s important to recognise what your child wants

Stubbornness and tantrums are an integral part of early childhood. It is through these attempts and experiences that children learn to what extent they are able to make themselves understood by those around them, to what extent they can influence their environment, and thus to what extent they can believe in their own worth. Our task is to acknowledge their desires whilst ensuring that they consistently follow the rules.

Tantrums are a characteristic feature and an inevitable part of early childhood. Willfulness and the desire to assert oneself are intertwined with emotional impulsivity, which children have not yet learnt to control. As parents, we face a difficult period at this stage, because no matter how hard we try to keep events under control, no matter how much we work to understand our children’s behaviour and use the right tools to avoid conflict, we cannot always succeed. They often arise unexpectedly; moreover, what worked before will not necessarily resolve the issue in a subsequent situation.

The tantrum phase is inevitable; we cannot expect it not to happen, however exemplary our parenting approach may be. The latter will be reflected in how often, how intensely and for how long we have to deal with these outbursts from time to time. Self-assertion in early childhood plays an important role in healthy development. Through these attempts and experiences, children learn to what extent they are able to make themselves understood by those around them, to what extent they can influence their environment, and thus to what extent they can believe in their own worth. As parents, we need to support this; the only question is, how can we do so whilst maintaining the necessary boundaries?

Automatic distraction

In a conflict situation with a child, a common human reaction is to try to shift their focus by diverting their attention. We try to avoid repeatedly mentioning the factor that triggers the crying or screaming (a parent leaving, a toy being taken away, being refused a desired meal, a disagreement with a friend, etc.) and instead focus on positive aspects that might spark the child’s interest, thereby redirecting their attention. Logically, we think that the less we talk about the cause of the tantrum, the sooner our child will get over it. Sometimes this does work, particularly with toddlers, but as children’s desire for autonomy grows (between the ages of 1.5 and 3), they become less susceptible to being influenced by such methods. The aim of children in this age group is, in fact, to make themselves understood by the outside world, to gain the understanding and attention of others, and, of course, their cooperation where possible. Distraction as a parenting tool can work well in certain situations; however, if it makes the child feel misunderstood, they will not allow themselves to be distracted, and their inner frustration will only grow. At such times, our hugs, our explanations, or our calm briefing on the likely consequences – which are, incidentally, important tools at our disposal – won’t help them much, because they long for just one thing: for you to acknowledge them and repeat back what they are trying to express.

With older children, we often get them to repeat back the requests and rules we’ve set out, just to make sure they’ve really understood them. Once they’ve repeated them successfully, we feel that everything is clear, so we can relax. With young children, doing the same thing has a similar effect. When we repeat back to them what they actually want and why they’ve become upset, some of their negative emotions are released because they feel acknowledged. Children of this age aren’t necessarily able to express themselves in the same way as adults, so it’s a great sense of achievement for them when they manage to make themselves understood, even if not all their wishes are ultimately fulfilled. As parents, therefore, the greatest help we can often offer is simply to put into words what they are trying to convey to us. After all, even if we understand, if we do not say so, they may not necessarily feel the same way, especially if we react immediately with rejection, deflection or prohibition. Voicing their thoughts aloud or repeating them verbatim may seem foolishly simple, but it has a profound effect – and, what’s more, it usually works without us having to fulfil their requests.

You don’t have to break the rules to be recognised

A predictable frameworksChildren really need these boundaries, as they provide a sense of security for them, even if they do occasionally try to push them. By testing these boundaries, they reassure themselves that we, as parents, are confident in what we’re doing, and so they can be too. This means that, even during tantrums, giving in and granting their requests is not necessarily the solution, as in the long run this only leaves them unsure of how far they can push the boundaries. At the same time, strictly adhering to the rules does not mean that we cannot understand our child’s feelings about this, as mentioned above. By helping them to articulate their desires and feelings – even if they have to do so again and again – we in itself help to resolve their inner tensions, thereby making it easier for them to really listen to our explanations and accept them. If they feel that we know what they want and that we accept it, it becomes easier for them to come to terms with the idea that their request cannot, for that very reason, be granted. 

We rarely think of these solutions. Instead, we try time and again to explain, in as simple a way as possible, why things cannot go the way they want them to. However, without acknowledging their thoughts, our explanations are often interpreted as rejection, which leads to even more frustration and, consequently, tantrums. Let’s not forget that for young children of this age, it is more important for their needs to be accepted by those around them than for those needs to be met. Both are important, of course, but making themselves understood by the adults around them is definitely the priority. If we understand this, and ensure that all our explanations and disciplinary measures are preceded by a clear and vocal acknowledgement of their feelings and needs, we may be in for some pleasant surprises. After all,

This is a fundamental prerequisite for learning, and thus for regulating our instinctive reactions. Our children simply want to know that we understand them. Once this is in place, the tantrum …it will ease off straight away. Time and time again.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 23 September 2021.