Do you regret shouting at the child so harshly? Here’s how to help them afterwards

Our children can bring out behaviours in us that we often don’t even understand ourselves. No matter how much we’ve promised ourselves never to shout or speak to them the way our own parents spoke to us, it still happens. But does our regret matter, and is there anything we can do to make amends?

Which parent hasn’t found themselves completely exasperated by their child’s behaviour and lost their temper for a few moments? It is part and parcel of parenthood that, due to our exhaustion, insecurity and our own emotional wounds, we sometimes lose our temper. At such times, we are quick to resort to tactics that we later regret. We're shouting, we’ll make threats, or we might even strike.

We all know that behaving like this is neither advisable nor worthwhile, as it certainly won’t have a positive effect on our child, but irritation is a powerful force. In those moments, we actually feel powerless in the face of both the situation and our own gut reaction. The guilt and self-reproach that follow are, for the most part, to be expected. We worry that not only are we setting a bad example, but we’re also damaging our relationship with our child, and perhaps even their self-esteem. And with a clear head, we don’t always know how to make amends. If we apologise, will we lose our parental authority? Is it even better to keep apologising to them all the time?

Our self-reflection – the work we do on ourselves – certainly sets a good example for our children and helps them, but it is not the only way to make amends for our thoughtless behaviour.

What makes us so nervous?

Many of us make a resolution, whilst planning a family or during pregnancy, that we will never shout at or speak to our children in the way our own parents usually did. However, this resolution usually soon fails. Our children can elicit behaviours from us that we often do not even understand ourselves. On the one hand, of course, there are external circumstances: a house move, a change of job or financial stress; but we are often driven by experiences and worries that date back much further than that.

The sense of helplessness we feel towards our children can also reawaken wounds from our own childhood, often without us even realising it. In such situations, we react defensively with anger and aggression. We do not want to relive (even with our own children) the feeling that we are not successful enough, independent enough, responsible enough – in short, not good enough or lovable enough. If we think about it more carefully, this is not what our children are trying to convey to us. Although many patterns may emerge from the frequent repetition of these situations, the initial scenes are never about us or how we’re judged, but about the child’s own difficulties, to which we can respond by meeting their needs.

Apology

We can be honest with our children; we can admit our mistakes and our unwarranted anger, as these are common human experiences. We set an example of how the world works. In every stage of life, there are and will be difficulties that we have to endure. If a child sees that we, too, make mistakes from time to time, and that even we cannot always control our behaviour adequately, they will feel that they are not alone in facing their own trials. We can actually strengthen the respect they feel for us by apologising to them when appropriate and reassuring them that we, too, are trying to work on ourselves. In this way, over time, they too will be able to do the same.

However, it is a different matter altogether if our constant apologies are not followed by any change. If we do not put any effort into managing our own outbursts, and use apologising as a way of solving the problem, it loses its value. The our words become empty, and the child tries ever harder to signal to us that the problem has not been resolved. In the best-case scenario, their undesirable behaviour intensifies at this point and becomes more conspicuous; however, there are times when they simply resign themselves to the situation and withdraw into themselves, which will have more serious psychological consequences for them in adulthood. Our apology is therefore important, but it cannot replace the work we need to do to curb our actions.

Compensation linked to eligibility

Our first and most important task is to recognise these situations and admit to ourselves that our outburst was neither justified nor effective. To do this, we need to calm down and step back from the situation: retreat to a room, let out a scream into a pillow, or take a deep breath and exhale slowly and deeply. Children don’t want to upset us either. Ideally, we are their constant source of security, but when they face rejection from us, their inner tension only increases.

Connection is always key to problem-solving. First (using the methods described above), we must be able to find harmony within ourselves, and only then with the child. Aletha J. Solter Therapeutic and related games In his book entitled *[Title]*, he discusses such games to play together suggests ways of handling this situation which turn the tables and playfully allow the child to take control of us. In tense situations, we are usually both unable to connect, but revisiting the events later helps the child to process their experience more effectively. Through puppetry and role-play, the child is given the chance to project their thoughts and feelings, and to gain a slight upper hand over the parent, thereby restoring their emotional balance to some extent. So-called ‘nonsense games’ (exaggerated behaviour, caricaturing the parent’s behaviour) can also help turn the memory of the shouting into laughter. We might say that Mum’s head was like an air-filled, burst balloon flying uncontrollably across the room, or that Dad’s brain was boiling over, but once taken off the heat, it can be used to make a lovely soothing tea. It’s all down to our imagination.

These games are designed for children and encourage us to work together. We can both play an active part in the as a game, by swapping roles, thereby giving the child the opportunity to express their negative feelings whilst receiving reassurance from their parents. We can reconnect because we trust them, which creates a sense of security for them. And perhaps these games can offer a solution not only for easing tensions, but also for better managing frequent, critical situations.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 19 March 2021.