Bullying as early as nursery school. How can we provide emotional support for our child?

We aren’t there; we can’t see what’s happening, nor can we influence the child, the teachers’ attitude or the headteacher’s actions. But what can we do to protect our child’s mental wellbeing if we can’t resolve the problem straight away?

Even in nursery school, it is not uncommon for a child to behave aggressively towards their peers for no particular reason. They kick, scratch and shove them, take their toys away and deliberately provoke them, even though the others have done nothing to them. Children like this often instil fear in the others; in some peers, they encourage bad behaviour, whilst in others they simply increase a sense of helplessness, thereby souring the atmosphere in the nursery.

These situations are very difficult to deal with, both as a teacher and as a parent. Teachers must not be dismissive of the perpetrator, as there are reasons behind their behaviour, which the penalty It won’t be a real solution. At the same time, they have to protect the children, which, in a group of 30, is once again not that straightforward. As parents, however, it’s even more heart-wrenching, as we feel powerless in so many ways. We aren’t there; we can’t see what’s happening, and we can’t control our child, the teachers’ attitude, or the headteacher’s actions. We fear for our children, and we don’t know what the right course of action would be to protect them. Should we encourage them to tell on the other child, when this is often pointless? Should we persuade them to hit back in self-defence, when we ourselves do not condone aggressive responses? Should we report the parents of the child who is bullying, who are likely to feel just as helpless? Transfer the child to another school, thereby bringing about yet another change in their life and our own? The measures we need to take always depend on the situation, but our children’s well-being requires similar support in every case.

Even a child can easily fall into the trap of looking for a scapegoat

Our children sometimes display such aggressive behaviour (verbal or non-verbal) at home that it shocks us. We know they’ve never seen or heard this behaviour from us, and they haven’t done it themselves before, so the idea must have come from nursery. Often, we find out – or work out – who might have set the example, and from then on we blame that person. Even though our child’s behaviour upsets us, we feel greater aversion towards their classmate, so we try to convince our child that only Pistike does things like that, and that it’s very silly.

At the same time, children very quickly pick up on and adopt their parents„ attitude, whilst we do not necessarily realise what sort of example we are setting. In such situations, we rarely truly blame our child for their behaviour, as we know they were simply copying someone else; our anger is directed more at that other person, and our child senses this perfectly well. So they, too, quickly learn to shift the blame for their own mistakes onto the other person, since ”they always do that too„ – in fact, ”it was them’.

Looking for a scapegoat is no good for either our child or the real culprit. If our child realises that this is a way to shirk responsibility, they will shift the blame even more onto their classmate, whose inner tension is likely to increase as a result, thereby further exacerbating the problem within the group. Drawing comparisons and scapegoating are therefore not the answer. It is important, even with our own children, to assess only the behaviour, without involving the person, so that our children do not learn to shift the blame for their own actions onto others!

Should he strike back?

Bullying in nursery can be devastating, and naturally we want to protect our children from it. Most of us teach them at home to avoid aggression, to communicate instead, to be patient and to listen to others. However, when we see that they are powerless in the face of a bully (however small they may be), the question arises: are we doing the right thing?

Telling on someone often proves insufficient, and fighting back or defending oneself does not come naturally to every child. For many of us, the solution in such situations is to try to persuade our child to defend themselves, to hit back or to shout loudly. However, the effectiveness of these methods varies. Sometimes it doesn’t come naturally to the child; it takes a great deal of effort for them to do so, and the expected reaction may not be sufficiently reassuring. The aggressor may even attack them more fiercely; the teacher may not necessarily arrive in time, and the child may feel that it was all in vain. And, as we know, aggression only breeds further aggression.

The child wants to please their parents too, but constantly coming up with ideas often makes them feel rejected, meaning they cannot relax even in our presence. As parents, it is not easy to handle this situation well. There are many factors to weigh up, and our task in such cases is to do our utmost to encourage them with due respect, understanding and recognition. Alongside these measures, however, we must create a sense of emotional security for the child so that they can express themselves.

Nurturing a child’s spirit

Children have to deal with a great many conflicts during these early years. They are still exploring the world; every day they encounter new and unfamiliar things, people and situations, and they don’t necessarily know how to deal with them, as even their own behaviour is still new to them.

When a child is subjected to abuse, the best way to help their emotional well-being is to give them the opportunity to express their feelings. There are children, who behave impeccably at nursery even in stressful situations, but at home their pent-up emotions erupt like a volcano. Others change their behaviour whilst at nursery in order to adapt to the situation, whilst still others withdraw into themselves and simply do not want to go to nursery any more.

They are all dealing with conflict in their own way, and we can help them resolve these conflicts as effectively as possible. It is important that let's have a chat Talk to our child about what happens at nursery, but never grill them – instead, give them the chance to tell us about it themselves! Good asset This is achieved through free storytelling, play, drawing and child-led conversations. Most children do not want advice, but simply to be listened to. They want their feelings (whether positive or negative) and their difficult situation to be acknowledged; they may even need help putting these into words, whilst believing that, together (with the child), they will find the right solution.

Children also learn from difficult situations. Through role-play, puppetry, imaginative drawing and magical stories, children learn to express themselves. Our conversations create a sense of security for them, reflect mutual acceptance, and help them understand their own problems. This enables them to distinguish their own worth from the way others behave towards them. At home, with us, they can build their self-esteem, their ability to understand others and their communication skills, which will serve as a shield for them. However, this requires time, (mental) space and openness, not to mention external factors – perhaps a expert involvement, if we consider the situation to be a cause for concern.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 31 May 2021.