What makes a child a good child, if they’re cheeky and disobedient?

A child’s dissatisfaction fosters their development, whilst their disobedience encourages them to make their own decisions. Or, a philosophical reflection on good parenting.

What makes a child a good child? What enables them to become a responsible adult who is also a valuable member of society? As parents, these questions surely often cross our minds, particularly when our child’s behaviour calls into question the validity of our parenting principles. Disobedient, cheeky, thoughtless, a poor student. The process of our child’s development and the outcome of their journey to adulthood in some way reflect and judge our own parenting attitudes and principles, and this can feel quite threatening to us.

However, bringing up children is not black and white. For parents, too, it is full of changes, learning processes and constant deliberation, as every situation calls for a different interpretation of parenting principles. It is no coincidence that it can be so exhausting. There is no body of knowledge that, once learnt, can be carried out like a routine task, almost on autopilot. It is a series of responsible decisions, constantly reviewed in the light of our values.

This is illustrated, in a way, by László Halák’s work, written in 1978 I’ll bring you up properly! Will I bring you up properly? his novella of the same title. By setting the scene with situations from primary school, he initiates an open, philosophical debate in which the adult characters (teachers, parents) can compare their views on raising a good child not only with one another but also with the author. It is remarkable how, in just 150 pages, he manages to present such an accurate and comprehensive picture of the difficulty of the task. With this in mind, I would like to share a few thoughts.

A child who always obeys is not independent

The first indication we usually get of how we are raising our own child is how well they listen to us. Whether they understand and accept our advice, requests and instructions without throwing a tantrum or starting to argue. Obedience and cooperation are also important because they help to ensure the child’s safety and protect them from dangerous situations. After all, they are not yet always able (given their age) to assess danger adequately. At the same time, a child who is always obedient is like a robot. They do not think, do not weigh things up, do not form their own opinions, but submit unquestioningly to the guidance of their elders. However much this sort of behaviour might make our day-to-day lives as parents easier, let’s face it: it does not prepare them for real adult life. The time will come when no one will make decisions on our child’s behalf, or weigh up someone else’s decision in the interests of the community and adjust it responsibly. And without practice, they will not be up to the task from one day to the next. ‘Repetition is the mother of learning’ – as the saying goes, one we as parents are fond of quoting when it comes to memorising school lessons. However, this applies just as much to other areas of life. To become a confident, moral and successful adult, one needs to practise criteria: independent thinking, judgement and decision-making too. Gradually, step by step.

Can criticism – exposing faults in others and admitting our own mistakes – be a good thing? Although nobody likes being criticised, and we are not keen on engaging in self-criticism in front of others, making mistakes is essential for progress. For if there are no mistakes, there is nothing to improve upon, and therefore nowhere to grow. However, a mistake does not necessarily have to be bad; it simply needs to be something that could be better, and that is the crux of the matter. Children’s inherent dissatisfaction is a prerequisite for their development, enabling them to improve themselves and the world. This helps them to start crawling, walking and writing in the beginning, and, in time, to become a benefit to society.

But of course, this sort of dissatisfaction can sometimes turn them against us as well. If they criticise our behaviour and our parenting, this can only serve to heighten our sense of internal threat. So we may start to worry that their dissatisfaction might lead to a lack of respect for us as individuals, or even disobedience – which would be the ultimate parental failure? Or is this perhaps an exaggeration? Our child will not respect us simply because we are their parents, but because they recognise that we are worthy of love and respect. To achieve this, however, we too must respect them, their current abilities and their independence, and believe that – with practice – they will use these for good. 

An honest parent-child relationship

Good parenting always depends on a good relationship between parent and child, that is to say, mutual trust. On the one hand, the child trusts the parent and their decisions, takes their word for it, and knows they can be honest because the parent will never reject them, no matter what they do or say. On the other hand, however, the parent also trusts the child, their constantly developing abilities and their competence. They recognise and accept that the child needs their own, independent experiences at least as much as those conveyed by the parent. The very process of cultivating this positive relationship is enough to demonstrate that bringing up a child involves adapting responsibly to constant change – indeed, on the part of both parties.

Both we and the child, each in our own way, discover, experience, learn, adapt, and then discover anew. Our development is an independent, continuous cycle that does not always require the advice of others. It’s no use telling a child that they’ll trip over their shoelaces; they won’t listen to us until they’ve actually fallen over. If they fall at all. Similarly, we won’t take every piece of parenting advice from our parents seriously; we’d rather rely on our own experience. Because no matter how closely we watch and how diligently we study the path that’s been laid out for us, we only truly understand it when we forge our own way. 

Our role as parents

One could spend the whole day philosophising about the nature of good upbringing and what makes a „good’ child, and perhaps it is worth doing so from time to time, as this is how we all gain experience and continue to develop. László Halák’s novel provides an excellent opportunity for this, so I shall conclude with his thoughts. ‘We must bring up our children to be free, responsible adults! This means that even in childhood they must be able to distinguish between right and wrong; they must know what they are satisfied with and what they are not; they must know what they should obey and what they should not. It is inconceivable that a child who has been brought up right up to adulthood not to make choices, but to be satisfied with everything that others say is good, and to be dissatisfied with everything that others say is bad, could, as an adult, be capable of making free and responsible decisions. Only a person who feels their freedom and their options for choice can be responsible for their actions. The upbringing ”It must therefore be aimed at enabling the child to assess, within the context of their circumstances, their freedom and dependence, their satisfaction and dissatisfaction, and their obedience and disobedience.’

Originally published on: divany.hu, 26 July 2020.