This is how children cope with the tensions they feel inside

Adults usually find it easy to talk through their tensions and experiences, but how do young children, who do not yet have the vocabulary to do so, resolve their inner emotional conflicts?

To maintain our mental well-being, it is important that we find a way to release the emotional tension that has built up inside us, whether we are feeling excited or anxious. Most of us choose to talk things through: we pop round to a friend’s house, ring our parents, or message our mates. Through conversation, we let off steam, receive a bit of empathy and acceptance, draw our own conclusions, and life can carry on. But what about young children who don’t yet have the vocabulary for this? How do they deal with their own inner tensions?

Life isn’t without its stresses for young children either. As newcomers to this fast-paced world, they are confronted with many situations for which they are unprepared. And these experiences – whether positive or negative – cause internal tension. Something as simple as blowing bubbles can fill a three-year-old with such excitement and joy that they’d love nothing more than to jump out of their skin and bounce around the room like a rubber ball. Yet they do possess some self-control, so they merely scream and flutter about; in other words, they release only part of their inner tension, and whilst they experience the unexpected event, they do not yet process it.

The same thing happens in the case of a negative event. Let’s imagine a small child who is completely absorbed in playing with his trains. In their imaginary world, they are right in the middle of a story when an adult tells them that it’s lunchtime, so they have to put their toys away. This takes them by surprise, and they have little say in what happens next. They pull him out of his daydream, taking apart the toy sets he has put together, which he hasn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to yet. He would love to throw a tantrum, scream, or perhaps even bite, just to release his inner tension. With a two-year-old, this does sometimes happen. If they have a little self-control, they’ll only act on some of these impulses. They may react impulsively to what’s happening, but they need more time to process the experience.

Because of their underdeveloped communication skills, young children need other means to process the experiences that evoke strong emotions. Such tools include play, stories and drawing. Without these, there can be no balanced and healthy development.

#1 Game

Play is a fundamental activity in early childhood, and its importance cannot be overestimated. It serves not only as a source of joy and relaxation: through spontaneous play, young children can relive the key events of their lives. Through their self-initiated play, they can re-enact past experiences in such a way that these no longer take them by surprise. In real life, they are often passive participants in events, which causes internal tension even during a joyful experience. Through re-enactment, however, they can relive their past experiences as prepared, active participants. They will have control over the situation, which helps them to process the experience.

A small child, with a look of carefree mischief on their face but running disobediently along the pavement towards the junction, is likely to experience his mother’s frightened, protective and sudden grab, which will cause tension within him. As he is not yet able to interpret or express his emotions, he manifests them through in his play. One way of doing this, for example, is to pull her doll along the floor by the hand and repeat the words she heard from her mother at the time of the incident. In this way, they can relive the event over and over again, observe their own emotions, practise the appropriate language, and draw conclusions about how the world works. They process the event they have previously experienced and try to learn the lesson.

#2 Fairy Tale

Another important tool for processing deep emotions and inner conflicts is the fairy tale. Elaboration (transformation) helps children to express feelings and experiences that cannot be put into words, in an effective and meaningful way. On the one hand, stories provide children with vocabulary, helping them to articulate and understand internal and external events; on the other hand, by identifying with the characters, they offer children the opportunity to gain insight into various life situations from a safe environment. In this way, children can realise that they are not alone in facing difficulties, that different feelings and experiences are part of life, and that there is no need to be afraid of them. Stories help children to understand life, develop empathy, and provide them with tools and vocabulary to deal with similar situations. Children often choose a story in which they can identify with something or someone. This might be the story itself, the composition of the characters, the protagonist’s feelings and thoughts, or even the atmosphere of the story. Something that resembles one or more aspects of the child’s own life. These connections are sometimes obvious to us, whilst at other times they are deeper and more subtle. 

Stories help prepare children to face events they have not yet experienced, or to relive those they have already experienced, so that next time they are not caught off guard and can maintain control over the situation and themselves.

#3 Drawing

Drawing is a means of self-expression and can therefore reflect a child’s current experiences, emotions and feelings. It is an activity that requires no words, so a lack of language skills is not a hindrance. Events that cause frustration can be translated into movements and colours. By holding the pencil in their own hand and making spontaneous movements, the child is repeatedly given the opportunity to take control of the situation. They can decide for themselves what is what, what they are doing, and how they feel. In this way, the experience can be relived, interpreted and placed within the „user manual” of human life, which relieves the child’s inner tension. In this way, they develop day by day, becoming independent, resourceful and resilient in real life.

Play, storytelling and drawing are therefore essential for children’s healthy development, which is why it is important to set aside time and space for them in our daily lives. It is crucial, however, that these activities only help children resolve their inner conflicts and process life’s unexpected events if they occur of their own accord and spontaneously. Adult guidance is not necessary – quite the contrary! Our acceptance is more important. Let’s not „correct” our children’s play as long as there is no risk of accident! Let’s not tell them how to play; let’s simply allow them to express themselves with his own playing style! There’s no need to worry if they only use dark colours when drawing, if they like the negative characters in stories, or if they don’t play with an object in the „right” way. Of course, it’s worth taking note, as this can tell us what difficulties they’re currently facing, and we can support them in overcoming them. Every child craves acceptance and recognition from adults. Before we try to correct them, let’s connect with them! If we understand what they’re going through emotionally, we’ll understand why they do what they do.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 17 March 2020.