That’s why frustrated pre-teens feel the need to „misbehave”

Why is misbehaviour important to pre-teens, and how can we support them in this in a socially acceptable way?

Regardless of age, every age group has its own set of problems. A young child can be just as frustrated as a teenager or an overworked adult. It is simply the source of stress that differs. Just as the causes of frustration vary from age group to age group, so do the coping strategies. That is why it is important to provide our children with appropriate opportunities to express their inner conflicts and process their experiences. To do this, however, we need to be aware of what works for them.

Stressed teenagers

As adults, many of us laugh when we hear that a young teenager is stressed. We think: „Come on, what sort of difficulties could a teenager possibly have?” Yet their lives are not without stress either. It’s just that the sources of their inner conflict are different from ours. For them, it’s not yet a matter of earning a daily living or organising the logistics of family life. Instead, they have to live up to a whole host of expectations in order to gain the approval of their parents, teachers and peers. All this whilst they do not yet truly know themselves. They are pulled in one direction one moment, and another the next. All this causes serious inner conflict within their souls. But how can they resolve these tensions?

Various solvents

Different age groups use different methods to relieve their inner tensions. Because of their limited communication skills, young children are unable to express their pent-up emotions verbally, so they act them out through play. We adults, at best, ring a friend and talk things through or work off our tension through exercise; at worst, we drown our intense emotions in smoking, alcohol or overeating.

But what means does a young teenager have to do this? How does a child relieve their stress when they’re not yet allowed to use bad language or be disrespectful, can’t spend hours chatting on their phone, can’t smoke, can’t drink, and can’t just pop round to their friends’ houses? What opportunities do we provide for them?

But being naughty is important!

Just think about how nice it is, as an adult, not to have to please someone all the time. That there are one or two places where we can behave however we like. Where we can swear, smoke, leave a mess, dress like a tramp, and start the meal with dessert. It’s a breath of fresh air sometimes, isn’t it?

Even younger children have more opportunities to misbehave than teenagers. On the one hand, because we’re still willing to let them get away with it – they’re still learning – and on the other, because we often can’t stop them. They still shout, bite, lash out, make a mess, get everything sticky, splash water everywhere, scribble on the walls if you’re not watching them, and they certainly won’t share. They’re exhausting.

It’s a different story with teenagers. We have a very long list of expectations for them. They’re expected to „behave”, share, speak politely, obey, keep things tidy, not make a mess whilst eating, remember things and take responsibility for them. We’re quick to frown at them if they drag their feet, splash water about, forget their PE kit, giggle in class, or don’t use a toy as intended. After all, „they should know better” and „they’re old enough”. Yet it’s important to be naughty! Good manners require sufficient self-control. In order to be able to behave ourselves in front of others, we need a place where we don’t have to behave. A place where we don’t have to conform to social expectations, but are given the opportunity to be ourselves, to express our own desires, and to let off steam. Because it feels good not to behave sometimes! 

Who am I?

Teenagers are still finding their feet, trying to get to know their changing bodies and minds. To understand our own limits, we need to test ourselves here and there. We need to experience how it makes us feel when we swear, when we dress up, when we prepare for a competition, when we make a mess, and when we fail. And it is parents who are best placed to provide the right environment for these discoveries. A child who has spent their entire youth conforming to the strict expectations set by their parents enters the adult world without really knowing themselves. As a result, they will either be afraid to try things out for themselves and become a ‘safe player’ who lives by other people’s rules without taking any risks, or the exact opposite: they can’t wait to finally be free from having to follow rules, so they can try everything, even to the point of self-destruction. Just look around at how many lost young adults there are out there who don’t know what they want from life, because they don’t know what they’re actually good at… Adolescence is a brilliant opportunity for them to test their limits in a safe environment, but it’s up to us, as parents, to provide that support.

Along borders

Of course, this does not mean that we should give them completely free rein and let them do as they please. They are still not old enough to properly assess the risks involved in certain activities or situations. But it is up to us, as adults and especially as parents, to help them find appropriate ways to express their inner conflicts and fulfil their desires. So that, somewhere, they too can let off some steam and discover their true selves.

Young teenagers are still young enough to express their inner feelings through games, made-up stories or art. However, they are now too old to play in the same way as younger children. During play, some kind of projection of their inner desires emerges. Something that preoccupies the child. It is important that, as adults, we allow space for this. The more we provide a suitable environment for self-expression, the less we need to fear that, hidden from our view, they might stray onto extreme paths. 

Suggestion Box

• Help your child find a hobby that focuses on self-expression rather than on conforming to others’ expectations or achieving certain standards. One where they don’t have to follow rules, obey instructions or compete against others. One where they can play however they feel like, or as the person they feel they are at that moment.

• Accept them just as they are in this moment! Children usually shut their parents out because they expect immediate rejection, correction, criticism, advice and a lack of understanding. Let go of your own inner worries and support them as they discover who they are! A deep and close parent-child relationship is based on acceptance.
• Let their room be a bit of a mess! That way, they’ll find out what it’s like when they can’t find something, or when their friends turn up to a smelly room. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person; it’s not about whether you can keep your own house in order.
• Let your child explore different sides of themselves at home, and try to remain neutral even if you see something you weren’t expecting! If they feel safe enough at home to try things out, they won’t feel the need to do so on the sly elsewhere. If you show sufficient acceptance of their attempts, they might even open up to you for a chat.
• Go a bit wild together every now and then, just as your child needs! Once a year, it’s absolutely worth it to tell a little white lie at school that your child is ill, so you can watch a TV series together at home instead of studying! This can help ease any underlying tensions and bring the two of you closer together connection.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 21 May 2020.