Stealing is a symptom; it is something done by children who are emotionally deprived

What drives a child to steal? Desperation and an unrelenting desire to prove themselves. They long for something they cannot have, and so they try to take it. The stolen item, however, is merely a symbol; the real need is the feeling that they themselves are valuable.

I’m ashamed. That’s not what I taught him. We’ve given him everything. The shelves are groaning under the weight of his toys, and even that isn’t enough for him. He doesn’t even have that much gratitude. What will the other parents think of us now?! The shameless one. But don’t worry, we’ll find a way to bring him up properly!

Parents who have had to face their child’s attempts at stealing struggle with and defend themselves against thoughts like these and others like them. At times like this, our blood pressure rises, we feel humiliated, and we wonder where we might have gone wrong. And so we punish the child, shame them, so that they might learn their lesson. The two of us in relation to However, the way we handle such a situation has a major impact. If we misinterpret the child’s motives, we may end up getting them into even more trouble. And, in turn, ourselves as well.

At what point does theft become theft?

First of all, we need to distinguish between taking someone else’s property and theft, as children do not always steal when they take something. Theft is a deliberate act in which the individual is fully aware of the rules of the game: they know that the item does not belong to them, that they should not take it, that they must not be seen by others, and what the consequences will be if they are caught. This kind of thinking already demonstrates an understanding of rules, a sense of morality and self-criticism, which is characteristic of the intellectual development of school-age children aged 6–7, and even more so of those aged 9.

With younger children, even the egocentrism He is in control; he fails to realise that this is not his, nor can it ever be his, and he lacks the self-control needed to resist his desires. But for the most part, they do not even do it in secret, as they are not yet able to change their perspective (to imagine what the other person sees). Their appropriation of objects may escape our notice, but on the part of young children, this is not deliberate. If, at such times, we accuse them and hold them to expectations which, given their stage of development, they are not yet capable of meeting, we are heading down a very dangerous path. We instil a sense of rejection and shame in them; rather than feeling that the unwanted behaviour is the problem, they come to feel that they themselves are worthless, which lowers their self-esteem and can have a significant impact on their future behaviour. After all, a child whom adults persistently fail to regard as good will, after a while, give up on the idea that they could ever be good.

Let’s find out exactly what happened!

Most of us grow up believing that theft is a capital offence, a despicable act unworthy of an honourable person. This is so deeply ingrained in us that when we unexpectedly catch our child stealing, we usually feel humiliated, as if we had stolen something ourselves, and we immediately try to defend ourselves. In an effort to preserve our parental authority, we tell the child off without giving them a chance to clarify the situation or discuss different perspectives. We feel offended, even though this shouldn’t be about us.

Children who actually steal are trying, through their actions, to convey something they are unable to put into words, or which simply falls on deaf ears. They are missing something, and, for want of a better idea, this is how they try to make up for it. This sense of lack is rarely a material need. The child may be missing a sense of love, acceptance, belonging, security and recognition, which they are trying to ‘buy’ in this way. They want to satisfy an emotional need that they should, first and foremost, be receiving from us, and then from their peers. They are searching for and trying to prove their own worth, and they fall into the same trap that we, as adults, so often do: they want to buy happiness. And, as we know, that is not possible.

Theft is a symptom. Don’t (just) treat the symptom!

We need to talk to our children. Not to question them about what happened at school, nor to lecture them on how the world works, our family’s values or the lessons to be learnt from events. Simply to have a free-flowing conversation, where we can share our thoughts and they can share theirs. It is this kind of openness on our part that allows children to open up, and to find not just someone to listen to them, but someone who really hears them.

Tamás Vekerdy According to him, it is not primarily poor children who steal. „Children of well-off, very busy parents steal, often from those from whom they long to receive love. And there are children whose lives are sad, lived in the shadow of beatings and threats. At home, all they hear is that they’re a nuisance, that they’re clumsy, that they’re failures. They obtain the little strength and joy they need to carry on living in this way – from the money they’ve stolen, or from the stolen chocolate.”

Theft is therefore a symptom, a sign, a cry for help from the child, indicating that they are in trouble. Perhaps they are unable to fit in with their peers at school, perhaps their teachers do not assess them properly, and perhaps they are not getting the attention they need from us. Through stealing, they are still struggling, still rebelling, still trying to send a message. The only thing worse than this is if they give up and resign themselves to the sense of worthlessness conveyed to them by others.

As parents, it is our responsibility to pick up on the underlying message, which may be directed at their peers, the school or their coach, but is primarily intended for us, the parents. Children look to us for a sense of security, trust, attention and love. Even if it is stolen, let's have a chat about it, and let’s not pretend that we’ve never taken anything for ourselves (even if it wasn’t actually theft). Let’s create an environment where they can express themselves in their own words! The child tries things out and learns from them; that’s how they gain experience. And through playing and talking together, they make sense of these experiences. In this way, they can grow into the task of taking responsibility for their actions and, above all, believing itself in his goodness.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 25 January 2021.