Divány
It’s natural for a young child to be selfish – here’s how to help them become more empathetic
During their first six years, children are typically egocentric and self-centred. This is, however, perfectly natural. As parents, though, there is something we can do to help them develop more quickly: reflect their emotions and tell them lots of stories.
We are social beings. Showing consideration, courtesy, understanding and a willingness to help one another are essential if we are to earn society’s recognition and acceptance. What’s more, these values actually enrich our souls as well. But what can be done with a young child who is still only concerned with themselves? Who does not share, does not wait their turn, does not put themselves in others’ shoes, and shows no particular interest in these things?
As parents, we bear a great deal of responsibility and pressure to mould our child into a sociable person as soon as possible. When they act selfishly, we immediately feel the judgemental stares directed at us, and we start to doubt whether we’ve brought them up properly. Perhaps we haven’t placed enough emphasis on empathy? Perhaps we haven’t been clear enough, strict? Yet we really do set a good example. Children are genuinely self-centred at first, and they need time to learn social skills. Perhaps more time than we might think. However, our attitude as parents matters here too.
Babies are born guided by their instincts. At first, they do not distinguish themselves from the outside world. Before birth, they are one with their mother; afterwards – unlike other primates – they remain entirely dependent on adults for quite some time. Gradually, they discover that the limbs flailing before them actually belong to them, and that they have control over them. Day by day, it becomes clear to them that, with a little practice, they can influence not only their own movements but their entire environment. As time goes by, their dependence on us begins to gradually ease, the their independence, whilst their self-reliance and self-esteem grow stronger. Their sense of self takes shape, and this comes to the fore. They gain control over themselves, which brings them joy and motivates them to continue developing and learning. It is no wonder that they are unable to shift their perspective, as simply getting to know themselves is demanding enough. The good news, however, is that understanding others begins in exactly the same way as understanding ourselves.
Initially (during the first 4–6 years), children are their feelings They are guided by these emotions, but this does not mean that they are emotionally mature. Although they are far more sensitive to the emotional currents around them (which is why it is impossible to put on an act in front of them), they are not yet sufficiently capable of interpreting and managing them. This requires the development of their rational brain. It is no coincidence that there are so many tantrums, outbursts of anger and momentary emotional breakdowns in early childhood. In these situations, our children often do not even know what is going on inside them: they are not yet able to recognise, name and manage their strong emotions. Their outbursts are sometimes frightening and uncontrollable, even to themselves. How, then, can they possibly understand what others are feeling?
Of course, society expects us to reach this stage as soon as possible. We all want to avoid conflicts on the playground, judgemental glances from other parents, and disapproving feedback from nurseries and pre-schools. However, it is generally not until they reach school age that children reach the level of understanding required to be able to see things from another’s perspective – which, as parents, can seem like an eternity. At the same time, there is no cause for concern, as there are other ways to support the development of social skills. This involves helping our child make sense of their own emotions. Few of us realise that understanding others ourselves can be practised through understanding, and this is precisely the case with our children. Parental reflection, acceptance and communication help children to make sense of their inner (emotional) experiences, and can provide them with ideas on how to manage and express these appropriately. In fact, it is we who show empathy towards them, and this lays the foundation for their own capacity for empathy. For they will only be able to recognise the feelings of others once they have a reasonable understanding of their own.
I can see you!
We try to nurture our child’s social skills right from the start. We try to describe other people’s feelings to them („see, that hurts them”, „look, they must be sad”), or pose a hypothetical question: ‘How would you feel if that happened to you?’ But it’s all in vain; this doesn’t help our children. We’ve all probably poured our hearts out to someone who immediately tried to understand the other person’s perspective, all in our best interests, so that we wouldn’t see the situation as quite so bleak. Did it help, or did it just wind us up even more? When we’re overwhelmed by an emotion, all we care about is being understood. Even we adults are only willing to try and see things from another’s perspective once our own feelings have been understood. And it’s no different for our children.
To begin with, our reassurance helps them to accept their own feelings. The Avatar The greeting used in the film of the same name is very apt: ‘I see you!’ Children need us to see them, as this gives them the opportunity to see themselves too. To acknowledge that angry, angry, disappointed, hungry, impatient. Admitting to our children that these feelings are indeed difficult to cope with gives them the chance to consciously accept them and face the challenges that come with them.
The Power of Stories
Apart from reflecting on their own emotions, the second most effective tool for developing empathy is storytelling. For children, the world of stories is the first setting in which they are able to identify with others. Fairy tales help them experience situations they have already been through, or which they are currently struggling with. Through these magical stories, their inner desires can also find fulfilment. Their empathy therefore develops through these stories as well. They identify with the character in whom they see some resemblance to themselves. Fairy tales help children understand their own emotions and inner conflicts; at the same time, they are generally more complex and more metaphorical than our own approach, and this has its advantages. Fairy tales are also special because, through identifying with the character, they give children the opportunity not only to understand themselves, but also to empathise with someone else. They teach in a magical and playful way. Exactly as a child needs them to.
Here’s how to help
- Just accept that he’s self-centred! During a child’s first six years, the „self” takes centre stage, and this is perfectly normal. They need time, understanding and practice to learn empathy.
- Help me understand my own feelings! Help them work out what they’re feeling and why, so they can let go of their tension! Through your feedback, they’ll learn to put these feelings into words and, in time, to express them appropriately.
- Copy his tone of voice! When we’re upset, it’s hard to believe that a calm tone of voice will get our point across. Adopting a calm tone helps with this. Provided, of course, that we don’t overdo it.
- Avoid using „but”! A I understand what you’re saying, but… Sentences like this tend to be rejected immediately after the acknowledgement, so let’s try to avoid them. Instead, let’s simply acknowledge the child’s feelings: „I can see you’re very disappointed that you couldn’t have Tóni’s toy. It would certainly be nice to play with it now, if it weren’t being used!”
- Tell me lots of stories! The children to identify with They know the characters well. This is the primary setting for empathy, so it can be a great help later on. Have a chat about the characters’ feelings! Believe me, it’ll definitely make a difference!
Originally published on: divany.hu, 23 July 2020.
