Dealing effectively with a tantrum: don’t try to solve the problem, but try to understand it!

As adults, dealing effectively with the Dackorszak and the tantrums that go with them is certainly no easy task, especially if we don’t know exactly what is going on inside the child and how best to resolve the situation. Before looking at specific discipline tips, we must first and foremost understand that in most situations, we don’t need to ‘solve’ the child’s tantrum, but simply understand and accept it!

Around the age of one and a half, children’s will begins to develop – or rather, to grow stronger – in a way that is quite striking to us. It is at this stage that it becomes increasingly common for them to ignore our requests, to say ‘no’ even when they actually mean ‘yes’, and to fly into a fit of incomprehensible rage as soon as something does not go their way. As adults, dealing with these situations appropriately is certainly not easy, especially if we do not know exactly what is going on inside the child and how best to resolve the situation.

A young child’s tantrum or defiance usually seems senseless, illogical and pointless from an adult’s perspective. Often we don’t even understand what triggered it, let alone what causes its intensity, so it’s no wonder that we, too, react to it in the wrong way – that is, ineffectively. It makes us feel tense because we don’t understand it, and so we can’t resolve the problem. We feel helpless, like bad parents, and we may even find it downright embarrassing when the scene unfolds in a public place. 

The question may immediately spring to mind as to where we should draw the line. When should we give in and adapt (to protect the child’s emotional well-being), and when should we stand firm on our expectations, even in the face of tantrums? There is no clear-cut answer to these questions, as they depend very much on the circumstances. Above all, however, we need to understand that in most situations, we don’t need to ‘solve’ the child’s tantrum, but simply understand and accept it! Because that alone can resolve the situation.

Young children’s behaviour is driven by emotions that are unfamiliar to them

In early childhood, emotions intensify alongside the will. Children are able to experience an ever-increasing range of emotions with ever-greater intensity, over which they do not yet have any real control. This is because the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking – that is, the part that analyses, decodes, weighs up and, not least, regulates – is not yet mature enough for this task. All this means that children themselves do not understand what the feelings overwhelming them are, why a particular situation triggers them, and why they result in the behaviour they do.

It may be difficult to imagine and believe as an adult, but children aren’t really in full control of the situation during these tantrum-filled moments. They do not know the answers to these questions, as they have neither the knowledge nor the experience to understand how these human processes work, so they cannot be expected to „behave”. They are vulnerable and helpless in the face of their emotions, and any negative reactions from their parents can only make their inner frustration worse.

We do not mean to suggest that we should not point out to our children when they have done something wrong, or that we should never force them into situations with which they disagree, even if these are necessary. Sometimes they have to get ready to go out, have their hair washed, or simply can’t have any more chocolate or demand to buy more toys. Situations like these will arise, just as tantrums do. However, the best way to support our children (and thus reduce the frequency of these outbursts) is not by trying to solve their problems for them, but by helping them to actually recognise, understand and accept them. After all, the better they understand what is happening within themselves, the less frightening the experience will be – and thus the less paralysing, i.e. uncontrollable.

Be the Hungarian voice of your child’s rational mind!

Our true role as parents, therefore, is not necessarily to solve the child’s problem immediately – whether by indulging them or through excessive discipline – but rather to take over, or temporarily substitute for, the functions of their rational brain. We could also say that we are bringing to the fore those internal processes which the child’s brain will only be able to carry out independently and automatically at a later stage, as their development progresses.

We’ll tell him that: I can see you’re disappointed and angry right now because you can’t have that chocolate!; You were expecting Mum to wake you up, and now you’re not happy to see the babysitter!; You wanted to have one more go on the slide, even though you knew we had to leave now!

On the one hand, these statements help the child understand what they are feeling and what they are going through emotionally; on the other hand, they reassure them that we see, hear and understand them. Acceptance from parents has a calming effect in itself, so it can shorten the duration and/or reduce the intensity of a tantrum. It’s an added bonus that, if we understand everything the child is going through, we too can remain more balanced, more confident and, as a result, more reassuring. This doesn’t solve the problem, and we don’t give in, but these situations become understandable to the child and, as a result, increasingly predictable. They’ll sense that we’re paying attention to them and accepting them, and through us, they’ll also know what’s happening, so that in time they’ll be able to express how they feel themselves.

This way of looking at tantrums is new to many people. Most of us were taught by our parents that problems need to be solved. When someone is sad, they need to be comforted; when they lose control, they need to be reined in. There was no mention of emotions, so that isn’t what springs to mind for us either at first. If we think about it more carefully, however, we’ve all experienced for ourselves just how irritating it is when, in a difficult situation, someone immediately bombards us with advice and opinions instead of simply showing understanding. Our children experience these situations in a similar way, with the added difficulty that they have even fewer tools for recognising their feelings or expressing them. However, if we provide them with a partner and a role model in these situations from their earliest years, we also support the healthy development of their brains, so that one day the rational part of the brain will be able to take control of the emotional situations.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 19 August 2021.