Why do children throw tantrums, and what should we do about it?

Tantrums actually reveal a great deal about children’s development. If we understand what lies behind them, we will automatically be able to deal with them with greater patience and more effective strategies. What’s more, their frequency and intensity may even decrease.

Tantrums are a tricky business. They can strike unexpectedly and take a wide variety of forms, usually leaving parents feeling embarrassed and helpless. Sometimes we don’t even know what triggered them, as there were no warning signs for us. In fact, there are even times when a tantrum erupts from our child after the conflict has been resolved, but why this happens remains a mystery. We can read shelves full of books on how to deal with this phenomenon, packed with differing techniques and tools that either offer a quick solution or simply leave us more confused.

But what causes a tantrum? What lies behind it? In order to best adapt to our child’s current emotional state and to manage their behaviour effectively, it is essential that we understand what they are going through. What changes are taking place in their brain and in their emotions. Tantrums, in fact, play a significant role in children’s development; they are by no means just a bit of a fuss. If we understand the underlying processes, we automatically become more understanding and patient, and we can find the right way to deal with the situation more quickly.

Our children are born in a fairly underdeveloped state, but during their first four years they grow and develop at an astonishing rate, not only physically but also intellectually. However, different areas of the brain mature at different rates. There is what is, in simplified terms, known as the „rational brain”, which is located in the frontal lobe and is responsible for problem-solving and logical decision-making. The „emotional brain”, centred in the limbic system, manages emotions and internal impulses, whilst essential bodily functions are regulated by the „primitive brain”. As development progresses, the functioning of these areas increasingly works in tandem, complementing one another. In the early stages, however, this is not yet the case.

During the first four years, children’s rational brain is still underdeveloped, so their behaviour is essentially governed by their emotional brain. This means that they are extremely sensitive, whilst not yet having the necessary tools to express their feelings in a way that is understandable and acceptable. Their rational brain, which would otherwise be responsible for regulating, processing and contextualising these intense emotions, is not yet capable of doing so, and this leads to a great deal of internal tension and tantrums. However, the rate at which this area of the brain develops does not depend solely on age. It is also greatly influenced by the extent to which a child is exposed to stressful situations and the level of parental support available to them. The rational brain continues to develop well into the early twenties, so our children’s emotional support depends on our parental approach for a long time to come.

The parent is the child’s rational mind

This is not an easy time for children either. Not only is the world around them new to them, but their own bodies are too, and they themselves do not know what is going on inside them. Their feelings well up invisibly, unexpectedly and uncontrollably, and in many cases they are themselves frightened by their own behaviour. The parental disapproval and rejection does not help them to calm down and understand what is happening.

For children, their parents are always their rock. Whenever their sense of security is shaken, the first thing they do is turn to their parents. If they feel rejected in such a situation, their fear, tension and despair will only intensify. What they need is someone to step in for their rational mind and help them express their emotions appropriately and in the processing of. Rather than telling them how foolishly they’re behaving, we really help them by describing what’s happening and giving them ideas on how to relieve their tension in a socially acceptable way. Because emotions are indeed important. If their tantrum triggers a tantrum in us too, we are, in a way, simply demonstrating that our own rational mind isn’t really that well developed either.

As they are guided by their emotional brain, young children are able to communicate their wants and needs in a highly impulsive and varied manner. The occurrence of tantrums is closely linked to children’s stage of development. From the time they are newborns, their aim is to get to know their environment and how they themselves function as quickly and thoroughly as possible, so that they can become independent and capable of coping with life. 

At first, they are only interested in their surroundings, and it takes time for them to realise that the limbs twitching in front of them actually belong to them and that they have control over them. As they discover this, their motor coordination improves steadily, as they begin to test their own limits. As they gain ever greater control over their own movements, it also becomes clear that they are capable of influencing their surroundings; indeed, they are increasingly beginning to to compare to their mum and dad. So the constant aim is for them to become better and more independent. If they feel held back in this, they will, for want of a better option, react under the control of their emotional brain, resulting in a tantrum. This may take the form of screaming, biting, throwing themselves on the floor or some other intense, emotionally driven action. In every case, they are trying to say, „Let me practise, let me be my own master; please, trust me.”.

It is, of course, essential that we set appropriate boundaries in order to protect our child, as many attempts at independence can end in an accident. It is our job to assess what our child can and cannot do independently, whether it be in terms of actions or decision-making. When it comes to tantrums, our role is not to always give in simply because we are so understanding, but rather, by understanding the underlying processes, to provide our child with the right support so that, despite our restrictions, they feel accepted and understood. This also helps them to accept and understand themselves.

As a sort of emotional coach, we can help them put into words what is going on in their minds, and suggest ways of expressing their emotions in a socially acceptable manner. If, for example, a child expresses a desire to be in control by biting because they lack communication skills, we can say to them (after saving our own skin): „I know you really want to go over there, and you’re angry right now that I won’t let you. But we don’t usually bite each other. If you’re angry, stamp your foot or tap your thigh. I understand that you’re angry.” It might sound a bit silly at first – after all, what could a child possibly make of this? – but we’ll see that phrases like this really do work. 

With this approach, we ensure that even if we have startled them with our initial, sudden reaction, we do not reject them. They therefore do not need to fear this, nor do they need to put up even more of a defence. Instead, we have helped them to put their feelings into words, and in time they will be able to do this themselves (developing communication skills). We acknowledge their feelings, and this teaches them that it is indeed important to recognise and experience their feelings (development of emotional intelligence). The stress-relieving gesture we suggested indicates that there is no need to suppress his emotions; he simply needs to express them in a more acceptable way. By mastering this, the child will be able to demonstrate increasing self-control, and this will develop their rational mind. So, in the long term, it is very much effective We will. What’s more, the more often we can respond to tantrums in this way, the more the frequency and duration of these outbursts will decrease.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 21 July 2020.