Unfortunately, there’s no getting round children’s tantrums, but we can make them easier to deal with

Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid children’s defiant and tantrum-prone phases, as they are an important stage in their development. However, by understanding the three main reasons behind this behaviour and recognising them in specific situations, we can go a long way towards easing the stress on both our children and ourselves.

One cannot talk enough about the defiant and tantrum phases. They are the result of a highly complex process, which is, moreover, full of connections that sometimes seem contradictory. Children lose control over their behaviour, defy requests and demands, are dismissive towards us, and yet at the same time crave the security we provide. This is the period It’s not easy for the children, and it’s not easy for us either. Nerves can be stretched to breaking point in the blink of an eye for both sides. How often does it happen that, from one minute to the next, our child throws themselves on the floor and starts screaming because something didn’t go the way they wanted: they didn’t get any more sweets, they weren’t allowed to take a friend’s toy home, or simply because the right-footed shoe didn’t go on their left foot as they’d planned. And how often does it happen that they eventually get what they wanted, but their meltdown has reached such a point that they don’t even notice (or it’s no longer to their liking)? In these situations, being accepting and patient as a parent is certainly a trying task. Tantrums often seem unrealistic and baffling, which in turn makes dealing with them effectively seem like a long shot. Our own sense of uncertainty intensifies, and we get worked up. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. If we understand the three main causes behind our child’s tantrums and learn to recognise them, we can move in the right direction to find a solution; this will not only reduce our own irritability, but we can also influence the frequency and duration of these emotional outbursts.

#1 The intensification of the desire for self-assertion

Children begin to become more independent around the age of two. The relationship they have previously established with an adult trust It has boosted their self-confidence, so they feel ready to make their own discoveries. They want to gain first-hand experience of the influence they can have on themselves and their surroundings. To strengthen their grasp of the realities of life, their resourcefulness and their self-belief, they need to achieve their own successes from an early age, and they strive hard to achieve these. However, as parents, it is not always easy to meet this need. We cannot leave everything up to them, as that would be dangerous, irresponsible and, incidentally, an incredible waste of time; moreover, excessive leniency It may even cause anxiety and uncertainty in children. It is important to assess which activities, as they develop, become safe and achievable for them, thereby allowing them to become more independent, as a lack of these experiences can cause them to doubt themselves, about their own importance and abilities. Children develop so quickly that, as parents, we can only provide them with the boundaries they need if we constantly review and monitor them. In the early years, children need to feel that they are capable of things: of acting independently, thinking creatively and making responsible decisions. And it is we who can provide them with the conditions to do so.

#2 Intensification of emotions

This period also sees major changes in the realm of emotions. Alongside basic emotions (anger, fear, etc.), more complex feelings such as disappointment, jealousy and shame begin to emerge, and their intensity increases. At this stage, children display extremely extreme, erratic and impulsive emotional outbursts, which are often unexpected not only for us but for them as well. They do not yet understand their feelings; they cannot recognise, comprehend or, let alone, manage them. Their overheated emotions erupt from them like a volcano, without any control, because they have to let them out somehow to be released due to internal pressure; no other method is yet known for this.

It is only with our help that they will be able to recognise their emotions, accept that they exist, and express them appropriately to the outside world. They do not enjoy tantrums either, but they do not yet have the necessary tools or maturity to control them. Our our rejection yet this only intensifies their emotional intensity, or drives them to learn to suppress their feelings, which will leave an indelible mark on their souls. When it comes to managing emotions, recognising, naming, acknowledging and accepting them together can be the first step towards resolution, as it is important for children to always feel that their parents understand and accept them.

#3 Intellectual disability

During tantrums, it becomes clear that children are driven by their emotions. They are unable to control their behaviour and outbursts because the part of their brain responsible for rational thinking is not yet fully developed. It is no use frowning, shouting at the child and expecting them to behave appropriately – which, incidentally, able –, because emotions are even stronger than rational arguments. There is nothing to weigh things up, make decisions and provide sufficient control. But we can help them with this too! Our example and our supportive attitude can encourage and, to a certain extent, speed up the process of development. As well as acknowledging their emotions, we can suggest ways for children to express their negative feelings: jumping on a trampoline, stamping their feet, shouting into a pillow, making fun of things, and so on. We can be creative; we just need to bear in mind that strong, high-energy emotions require strong, high-energy means of expression.

The defiant and tantrum-prone phase is unavoidable, as it is an important stage in a child’s development. It is a sign that our children are growing and maturing, not only physically but also mentally. Of course, this does not make it an easy period to cope with or manage. However, by understanding the three main reasons behind its emergence and recognising them in specific situations, we can go a long way towards easing our own stress. In every case, these three factors are responsible for what is happening, but their relative importance may vary. Sometimes a child’s desire for self-assertion is stronger, whilst at other times they struggle more with their emotions. To provide the right approach, we need to recognise which of these is currently the most prominent and focus our attention on resolving that issue. The frequency of tantrums, the emotional outbursts It is by following these principles that we can most effectively reduce both the duration and the intensity of our stress. To achieve this, however, we will continue to need great determination, perseverance and an enormous amount of patience.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 11 December 2020.