Is your child anxious? Here’s how you can help them

Anxiety is often an unfamiliar concept and experience for children. They do not understand what is happening to them or what is causing this unpleasant feeling; they simply feel paralysed, which is terrifying. That is why they need their parents’ acceptance and emotional guidance.

These days, almost every child feels anxious about something. And we, as parents, feel anxious about our anxious children. Stress has become an integral part of our lives; it’s there at work, at school, at sports training, and even within the family. Stress and anxiety are fundamentally natural and even useful, as they convey a message and try to protect us; however, in people’s lives today, they have lost this role. Whilst in the past it helped us escape from predators, today we tend to use it to try to escape from certain feelings, such as shame, disappointment or exclusion.

People today don’t really look for the cause of anxiety; they simply try to get rid of it. We also try to distract our children from this feeling, and pay little attention to what actually triggered it or what message the anxiety is trying to convey. However, treating the symptoms alone will never provide a long-term solution. We cannot shield children from the stressful world in which they live, but with the right level of attention and the right approach, we can help them to manage it effectively and even turn it to their advantage.

Why are children today so anxious?

Most children today avoid drawing attention to themselves – at least the sort of attention that the adult world would appreciate: bold answers, speaking up, (theatrical) performances, presentations, individual projects and competitions. Why? Because the prevailing social attitude is that if you don’t win, you’ve lost. We simply expect so much from children that it is impossible for them to live up to these expectations, so it isn’t even worth trying. From a very young age, we suggest to them that they have no time to spare, and that if they don’t push themselves now, they will be wasting these years. But is it right to expect a child to push themselves? Does it lead to anything good if even a child has to push themselves to acquire the knowledge and skills that others expect of them?

At a societal level, we convey to them (albeit rather unconsciously) that their performance, their marks and the assessments they receive from others determine their identity and their future quality of life. This is, of course, hardly surprising, given that we ourselves were mostly brought up according to a similar set of values. And for those who grow up amidst such expectations, there really is no time left to discover who they truly are. The desire to please parents (and, consequently, teachers) is natural, but it distracts children from getting to know themselves and discovering their own goals. Children feel pressured to achieve a goal that is either still unknown to them or simply not their own. Yet rather than reaching a goal as quickly as possible, it would be far more important for them to achieve their own genuine life goals. And that requires patience.

Parental role model

However, a fast-paced world where people are constantly short of time and have high expectations is not the only cause of children’s anxiety. Our example as parents – the way we strive to meet expectations and the way we deal with our own anxieties – can have at least as much influence on their behaviour as other external factors. If our children are to be able to confide their fears in us, and for us to be able to offer them genuine help, we must first engage in some self-reflection. We need to consider what sort of example we are setting for them: Do we admit our worries to ourselves and our loved ones? Do we dare to vulnerable Show it? Do we, too, tend to distance ourselves from the situation without stopping to think about what triggered the anxiety?

Children are extremely sensitive to their parents„ emotional world, so hiding our own ”weaknesses’ makes it clear to them that we do not talk about these things. However, constantly suppressing our fears and worries only increases anxiety in the long run. Stress does have its benefits – its stimulating and motivating effect – but this can only be achieved if we are able to be open, honest and accepting of the negative feelings that affect both us and our children.

A positive outlook on stress

Most of us are aware of the negative effects of stress. We know that it has a detrimental effect on performance, that it can lead to illness, and that we should avoid it at all costs. However, this is impossible in today’s world, and the additional anxiety this causes will not help us, and certainly not our children.

Fortunately, stress also has positive effects, and making the most of these simply depends on our perspective. It provides information, offers opportunities to learn something new and to develop, and stimulates creativity so that we can find new answers and solutions. Uncertainty need not cause panic if we recognise the new opportunities it presents. Of course, this requires flexibility, for which accepting our negative feelings is also essential. Our frustrations are resolved when we listen to them and recognise what has caused them. We do not need to find a solution to them straight away, but it is important that we feel, express and accept them; otherwise, they can turn into overwhelming anxiety. This is also the fundamental prerequisite for being able to see new opportunities within them. A positive outlook on stress cannot be forced upon our children; for them to adopt it, we must lead by example and first and foremost accept our own fears and anxieties, as well as those of our children. 

How can we help children?

Anxiety is often an unfamiliar concept and phenomenon for children. They do not understand what is happening to them or what is causing this unpleasant feeling; they simply feel paralysed, which is terrifying. As part of our support, it is important that we help children to formulate on the one hand, the feelings we suspect lie behind their behaviour, and on the other, everything that may have triggered their anxiety: I can see you’re feeling stressed about tomorrow’s exam. Are you worried you won’t have enough time to complete it? I can see that tomorrow’s party is making you anxious. Are you worried that you won’t be able to fit in? Whether they confirm or refute his views, these statements can serve as a stepping stone to help him set out on the path towards realisation and understanding. And in time, he will be able to do this without our help.

For many children, it can also be helpful to personify their feelings in a playful way. As they still rely heavily on their imagination and visual thinking when solving problems, turning feelings into characters (see, for example,. Brain Gnomes (the characters from the film of the same name) can make a child’s anxiety seem more approachable, and thus easier to manage. Despite all this, and despite the fast-paced nature of our world, it is worth setting aside some time for meditation, which helps them to relax both physically and mentally, so that the child can let go of their fears about the future and return to the present. Although children are much better at living in the „now” than we are, social pressure forces them to focus on their future at an early age, which only serves to increase their frustration.

Unfortunately, we cannot lift every burden from our children’s shoulders, but with sufficient understanding, self-reflection and by setting a good example, we can ease their minds considerably. Let us give them time, peace and quiet so that they may dare to children to stay and, as children, to discover, express and realise their true selves.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 8 September 2020.